My final post for 2009

It's New Years Eve and we're all doing great. Gwyneth LOVED Christmas. She's still singing "Happy Birthday to Jesus and Gary" anytime she thinks of Jesus she also thinks of Gary. She's doing an amazing job at praying. She loves to name a list of people to protect. I LOVE IT. We have been attending Killearn United Methodist Church and we LOVE it. I love the contemporary service the most, however getting there at 9:30 seems to be impossible except that one morning that i went into labor (that's the last time i've been that early, haha) we ususally go to the traditional 11am service. This past service was a "sunday school sit in" since they didn't have sunday school that morning she was with me in service ( I now know how mom felt with Gary and I in the church pews!!) They had a christening/baptism of a baby and little boy that morning and I told her "look Gwyn they are getting baptised like you and Grayce did in VA with Granny and Grandpa." She looks at me said and says "momma i can do it again? Is it my turn now? I want water on my head again" She even said it loud enough that others heard her. She is such an amazing dancer in church and at home. She closes her eyes and "feels" it. She rocks and moves her hands according to the tempo. She also "shake my booty like Gary does" in the car alot. I love it and it always makes me happy. I have been crying a lot over Gary this past year, some sad tears, however, mostly happy tears. Gwyn just looks at me know and says "you sad momma? you miss Gary?" I say "yes baby very much, wanna blow him kisses?" and we do.

Gwyneth LOVES LOVES LOVES gymnastics. I couldn't be more happy. She's really good at it as well. We've only been there one month and she is amazing on the bar! I love watching her. She's also made a few friends in the class, Aria, Payton and Nyla. She always says "time to go to gymnastics and play with all my friends." She had her 3rd birthday party at Zoinks and Aria and Nyla came. They were jumping in the jump houses, playing arcade games and winning tickets. Nana made her a Minnie Mouse cake and I made her Ice Cream Cupcake Cones. She got a coach purse from Aunt Kelsey, strawberry shortcake doll from Nicole and Joe, a guitar from Dede, Real looking Kitty--ect-from Nana, money-doll-ect from gramma and a ton of Minnie stuff from mommy and daddy. A week later she was in Gymnastics competition and won a medal (they all did) and the following week was Aria's Birthday Party. They went to Two Bit's Farm and had so much fun. Gwyn loves horses now, it's adorable. She rode Tater, and feed him some Goldfish and he loved them. He "neighed" at her and she said "aww momma he's saying thank you for his goldfish" i laughed at her. They got to paint Tater, do a scavenger hunt (gwyn was running in her "cowboy girl boots and hat" and got cut off by some of the kids and belly flopped on the ground. She was fine but it scared her. They had a cookie cake and Gwyn loved it!

I'm going to try and put her in preschool at Killearn over the summer and if not in Aug for sure if they have openings. Aria attends that preschool as well so i'm really excited about that!! She's ready...always walking around with her backpack on saying "it's time for school momma. "

Grayce is sprouting up like a weed. Her and Gwyn do look similar in their baby pictures. Other than the fact that Gwyn had more hair and a bigger forehead. Grayce looks like a great mixture of mine and Gary's baby picturses. She is always smiling and laughing. She loves to watch and listen to Gwyn (laughing and smiling at her) Gwyn loves the attention from her. She of course LOVES me and is always touching my face with her hand and smiling (i melt every time.) She's a full on thumb sucker now and it's not stopping. It is so sweet though. She's drooling alot, so i'm assuming she's teething. She LOVES to nurse. She almost always refuses a bottle of formula. She'll be starving and still spit the formula out, waiting on me to give her that yummy sweet breast milk, haha. It's going to be hard to stop nursing her since she loves it so much, however, between school and work it's going to slow down alot and so i might as well wean her from it then.

She had found her toes and loves to play with them. She turns into this little rolly polly when she grabs them both. She is really great at stitting up with very little support, rolling over easily from her stomach to her back and from her back to her sides. She is just like Gwyn in not liking belly time. This little girl LOVES to watch football. She cried one day when matt and scott were watching a game and changed it to a non football channel. They changed it back and she stopped. She also cries if a Gator game is on and you turn it (Scott almost cried, however, we believe she just likes the color blue and that's all, haha =) She LOVES bath time, especially when it's with Gwyneth and watching bubbles. She'll just watch them float around and try to grab them and cackle at them.

Matt and I are doing great. Can't wait for our little vacation in Feb to St.Aug and Orlando to see Bob Saget's comedy show. We are staying busy with the girls and work. In a few weeks we are braving the task of tiling the living room and hallway. A few months later we want to put cork flooring in the bedrooms. I'm SOOOO tired of dog pee all over the carpet. I steam clean it every day and it still stinks. So problem solved. We are trying to pick the ceramic pattern that we like next week and they are measuring our sq footage on monday morning. I'm hoping to talk matt into a greenish brown tile on the darker side. We also want to put glass tiles around the fire place and i'm very excited to pick those colors out. I'm thinking a red/green/brown tint to tie everything together. Our next move is to add a two car garage on to the house but we need permits for that so we'll wait till next year most likely. Then it's on to the bathrooms (i'm trying to talk matt into expanding our bathroom and bedroom wall so we can make it a real master bathroom and have a bigger room (my hideout). The swing set that matt has put together is so beautiful. I'm very proud of him. Him and Jackie put it together in two days. He later framed it and put in a sandbox and rubber mulch. It's still not finished but it's close, plus we need a lot more mulch to finish it and probally more sand since gwyn loves to "build" cakes on her picnic table and and sand castles on the slide and then go down the slide and "knock it over"

Grayce Kaylynn Ella Wagner

Export from Expecting iPhone App



Notes for Week 4:

VERY sensitive nipples
VERY sleepy



Notes for Week 6:
Headaches like crazy


Notes for Week 16:
Nipples starting to discharge very little clear fluid


Notes for Week 17:
Feel baby kicking today
Crave Orange Juice



Notes for Week 18:
Little cramping. Vitamans make me nasueous.



Notes for Week 19:
Dyed hair. Did nails. Gwyn said the baby is her friend and play in kitchen her.


Notes for Week 20:
On cruise, everyone was sick and throwing up except mommy!! Guess you helped somehow with that one.
Awake and kicking between 11pm and 1am


Notes for Week 24:
172lbs starting to gain weight


Notes for Week 25:
174lbs


Notes for Week 26:
176lbs



Notes for Week 27:
Awake from 12-4am
Crave resses
Picking nursery stuff out
178lbs

 Notes for Week 28:
Feel and see you flipping around
Sit up in my ribs sometimes
Dreaming alot more
Hard to sleep
182lbs



Notes for Week 29:
Leaving for ky
Leaning towards gabriella kaylynn grayce
Now awake at 6-7pm and 2-3am that I notice
184lbs

 Notes for Week 30:
Moving into our new home
Nursery colors:purple,green and brown
In ky
186lbs



Notes for Week 31:
Lots of studying



Notes for Week 33:
Lots of painting, unpacking, cleaning and working.
189lbs
160bpm
34-35 weeks measuring big


Notes for Week 34:
Awake Reg hours now. 11-12pm, 4-6pm, 10-12am, unsure of am times. I do pee every 2 hours after 5 am. Restless at sleeping.
Went to zoo and beach with gwyn.


Notes for Week 35:
Almost done nesting. Love peanut butter in reese's. Can't wait for you. Gwyn keeps calling you abagail.

Notes for Week 36:
Can't wait. Mommys all ready do you. Except your name. My left rib hurt alot. Icwntsleep anymore. Either have to pee or umcomfortable.
Started using evening primrose.


Notes for Week 38:
Saw you on tue!! Fat cheeks haha. Not moving to much.
50% effaced 2 cm dilated and said your head was up high. I figured as much because your bruising my ribs =)



Notes for Week 39:
Bloody show. Gooey brown and clear discharge. Lots of cramping right where belly and pubic area meet (cervix?)


Contraction times:
Started on the way to the hospital:
TIME             DURATION             FREQUENCY
11:03am         0 min 47 sec                2 min 47 sec(stopped on the way to TMH, had her at 11:58am)
11:00am         0 min 56 sec                2 min 15 sec
10:58am         0 min 31 sec                1 min 26 sec
10:56am         0 min 37 sec                2 min 30 sec
10:54am         0 min 43 sec                3 min 50 sec
10:50am         0 min 54 sec                1 min 29sec
10:49am         0 min 51 sec                0 min 0 sec (start time)






Grayce's birth was an eventful one for us to say the least. Saturday night 8/22/09 I had some brownish discharge and was expecting to have "the baby" in a few days. That morning around 5 i had a little pressure down in my cervix and assumed that it was just softening a little. I was only 50% effaced and 2cm dilated at my dr.visit a week ago. So i ran a bath and soaked in it for a little while. I was going to try out a new church down the street for the 9:30 service so i had to wake up early anyway. So it started to cramp about every half hour and so i took a tylenol.





I drove to church with the cramping getting a little closer together. I was still sure that it was only softening and that it wasn't a contraction because it didn't really hurt. I got to the church around 9:15 and was looking around. I went to the bathroom and noticed the bloody show. I wasn't thinking anything about it but I called mom and told her that I may have the baby tonight or tomorrow. She told me that Nick came out right after her bloody show.





Church started at 9:30 and the "cramping" got closer together. 5-7min apart and it didn't really hurt it seemed to hurt a little bit more. So I was standing and sitting and singing along with the church. Right before the pastor started his sermon i walked out. I'm sure they were all wondering why the new pregnant lady left right when the sermon started (she hates sermons, doesn't like our chuch, ect) I started to time the cramping accuratly because this had to be contractions (genius that i am finally figured it out.) They were 3-4 min apart. So I drove home and told Matt to wake up and take a shower i think i need to go to the hospital. He layed there and wouldn't get up. I finally YELLED at him to move it, let's go. While he took a forever long shower i was waking Gwyneth up and getting her ready. Then it came time to get the bags in the car and drive to the hospital and he had the NERVE to smoke a ciggerate. I YELLED at him again to move it lets go it's starting to hurt.





As we were driving there he was going under the speed limit, then to fast, ect. I yelled at him evertime i had a contraction which finally felt like a contraction. I wasn't to painful but it wasn't very comfortable either. They were about 2-3min apart now. It took us 20-30 min to get to the hospital and walk up to triage.





Matt dropped me off and i told him to go get Gwyn something to eat and come back after because it took forever to get a room last time when Gwyn was born. I was at the desk telling them i PreRegistered and they didn't have it. So I was having to fill out a form in the middle of contractions, haha. I just couldn't sit down. I had to stand up and walk around. Gwyn and Matt walked out the elevator ..Gwyneth wanted her mommy. Thank Goodness. Finally after about 15-20 min of waiting I asked the lady if i could go back to triage now because it was really starting to hurt now.



In triage they ask me to fill up a cup with pee and undress into the gown. I tried to pee and couldn't, blood was the only thing coming out. So I go and lay down and they hook up the monitor for contractions to me and she says that the nurse will be in in a min to check my cervix. 30 sec later i have a contraction and TELL matt that he needs to go get a nurse NOW i feel like i have to push. He went and told someone and the nurse comes to check my cervix and asks me if I have a hard to reach cervix because she couldn't feel it and then after painfully pushing around there 3 more times says " that feels like your sac" Let's get you a room your 9 1/2 cm. They are pushing me down the hall as i'm having contractions. I get to our room and they are getting the bed layed down and all the tools out. I keep having contractions and it's really hard now to NOT push. I tell them that and they say just breath it out the DR is on his way. So I finally get in the bed and they get the IV in and the DR comes in RIGHT after a contractions. So i have to wait another min for the next one...he says are you ready to push and i'm like yeah 10 min ago!!





Poor Gwyneth was in the delivery room the entire time worried about me. We didn't have enough time to get a babysitter over to watch her...(Joe was in the parking lot right after the baby was born) 4 pushes and 1 little scream/cry out later Grayce came out. They layed her on my stomach and she didnt cry right away. I remember asking them "is she okay?" and 2 sec later she cries. I was so happy and excited. Gwyneth was making sure I was okay and then she was looking in awe at her baby sister. She weighed 8lbs 7 oz, 20.3 in long and 14cm head and chest.



Gwyneth looked at her and said "she's dirty." All we could do was laugh at her. I don't know if she truly understood that this is her sister and they will have to share mommy and daddy now. Gwyn and Matt went to get food and "baby" at as well. She was great at latching on just like her big sister. Grandmothers got there and her uncles and they were all over her. She had the baby acne bumps all over her, no jaundice though.



After everyone left we finally had alone time and decided on her name...Grayce. Gabriella and Abigail just didn't seem to fit after she was born the day before Gary's Birthday. I know God and Gary planned it that way so I would have something to hold and love on the day that all i want to do is cry and miss him. I didn't cry as much as I would have without her in my arms. She reminds me of Gary so much.

Joe, Nicole Watkins, Scott Currey and Amanda Wade were her in hospital visitors. Barbara was her first home visitor. Other than Grandma, Mike, Nick and Nana of course!!

She's breasfeeding very well now. She LOVES it. I try to give her formula and she spits it out. She will let daddy feed her formula when she's starving. However if mommy's holding her she waits me out and cries for the "booby milk" That's what we call it and Gwyn. haha.

When Grayce cries she says "momma feed her booby milk she wants it" and the other day she was playing with her baby doll in the stroller and i was feeding Grayce and she brings me "jackie" and says "feed her booby milk momma" so I was feeding Grayce on one boob and her doll on the other. I just laughed.

9/23/09

One month old now!!

We had a little trouble with her umbilical cord. It was lolng to fall off and at 3 weeks still wasn't off. One day it "popped" and i could get under it and it REEKED. It wasn't infected but it smelled horrible. I could lay her down in front of me and still smell it. So I took her to the doctor (whom i love. Dr. Keopple at North Florida Pediatrics) She cut it off cause it was just dangling by a "thread" then she used silver nitrate to freeze off the granuloma that was there from not drying up the way it should have. Gwyneth was so worried for her baby sister and the doctor "cutting her belly button off."

Gwyneth is GREAT with Grayce. She helps me grab her pacy, blankets, diapers and so forth. She's great at feeding her bottles and burbing her. She loves for me to lay Grayce on her arm so they can watch cartoons and go to sleep together. She does however, try to force the pacy in her mouth sometimes when she's crying really loud, haha (she won't be quiet mommy) and tries to open or close her eyes (which ever mood she's in) other then that she's perfect with her.

Grayce is spoiled rotten now. She has to be held constantly. She's also very gasey but not colic, mylicon is our new best friend. She's very attentive and loves to look around and follow people and things. She also has superman hearing...any noise out of the ordaniary and she flinches, however, if it's the guys or gwyn screaming she's fine, haha. She still has baby acne but it seems to be getting better.

She has found her tounge and voice. She loves to stick that tounge out and plays with it. Gwyn tattle tells on her already when she sticks her tounge out. She coo's and ahh's and smiles at us, especially at Gwyn and her pooh mobile. Shes great at getting her fist, thumb and fingers in her mouth and isn't a huge fan of pacy's but i'm going to try my hardest to not have a thumb stucker.

She now weights 11lbs and is growing fast!! With her head full of hair (hairy ears, back and arms, haha) She has big blue eyes still and they will most likely stay that way. Wonder if they will be blue like mine and Gwyn's or blue-greenish like matt's.

paint and names

We have narrowed it down to the final two names. I guess we will wait to see which one it will be when I get to hold her and have a few more months to say them out loud to see which one I like better. I've decided against Matt's will that this daughter will have two middle names as well...like Gwyneth Kate Elizabeth Wagner. I don't want her to feel left out so, haha. That's my excuse to get away with it again.

Gabriella Kaylynn Grayce Wagner "Ella"
Abigail Kaylynn Grayce Wagner "Abbie"

I'm 7 months now and anxiously waiting her arrival. She is however a NIGHT OWL as of now. I hardly feel her till about 1 am and then she's nonstop till about 5am. So I wonder if that's how she will be when she comes out. Gwyneth still says she's not sharing her toys with her baby sister, haha. We'll see how that goes. I'm trying to pick out the colors to their rooms and the house, haha it's hard.

For Gwyneth it's either...Pink, orange and brown or pink, blue and brown
Baby 2 is either...Purple, green and brown or magenta (pinkish purple) green and brown.
I want our room a dark brown color but matt doesn't want it dark...maybe i'll sneak in with out him and do it myself.

Living room will be a tan and the office will be a green (don't know what shades yet) and the dining room is going to be the combo of the two. I have no idea about our bathroom, i will leave Gwyn's blue for now i guess till i can think of something.

It's a GIRL

We found out today that we are having another little girl. I can't wait...still going to think of some more girl names. Gwyneth and I picked out an outfit, socks and a pair of shoes today for our little baby. Of course the baby is up RIGHT NOW. She is such a night owl. Everynight at around 1am she wakes up and starts moving around.

We leave tomorrow for Jacksonville, Disney on Ice on Saturday and our Cruises on SUN and go figure my poor baby is SICK. She's thrown up the last three nights and had diarrahea the last two nights. She runs around, plays and feels fine in the morning and afternoon but every night she's sick. I'm taking her to the Doctor tomorrow before we leave (hopefully) and see what they say. I feel so bad. I hate seeing her sick. This is her second time being really sick. We might have to stay at home now and our at least Nana and Gwyneth might stay home (cause Nana purchesed the insurance for her and Gwyn's cruise). I'll feel bad if i leave while she's sick but of course Matt wouldn't buy INSURANCE for the cruise so if we miss it that's it (we're out the money) What is a MOMMY to do??

A survey

Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?Matt before he left for work, right when i pull in, he leaves.

When was that last time you had a sleep over?Kelsey slept in my bed three weeks ago, does that count?

Do you like candy?OH yeah, having a kid gives me an excuse now.

What are you listening to?Watching Without a trace

Do you regret kissing that last person?Acutally kind of, haha...he had just smoked a ciggerate with Scott

Is there a certain person who can always make you smile?Used to be Gary (still is if i think of the good things) and GWYNETH of course

Are you dealing with any tough situations?Getting used to never seeing my brother again, and how much we will get approved for on our home mortgage loan in june.

Is there someone on your mind?Gary as always and my family. GWYN (i haven't seen her all day yet, sleeping when i left for work and sleeping when i got hom)

What is the last thing that annoyed you?Matt not cleaning the house or giving Gwyn a bath the ONE night that i'm not home.v(he's gotten a lot better so it's not so bad anymore)

Is there anyone you'd like to apologize to?Gary...for not calling enough, for mommying him...

What does your last outgoing text say?Scott laughing at Matt for wanting to watch Race to Witch Mountian

What's your relationship with the person you last texted?One of my 2 best friends (Kelsey is one and Scott is the other)

Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed?Yes Scott (he drives Matt to work with him)

Is a best friend/​​boyfriend/​​girlfriend or ex pissing you off at the moment?nope

Who is the last person that called you?Billy looking for directions. He'd die without me.haha

Is there any meaning behind your profile song?do i even have a profile song

Do you think you're wasting your time on the person you like?i did a long time ago, but not now

Was yesterday better than today?Yes because matt didn't have to go to work so we went to
dinner at Sonny's, shopping at SAMS, and went to the movies.

Is anything bothering you right now?other than gary no

What is more important happiness or trust?Trust, you can't be happy if you don't trust that person (friend, family or lover) or course happiness is a huge factor also

Do you even KNOW how to do the laundry?Unfortunatly yes, I HATE folding laundry...don't mind washing it

Do you always care what you look like?Yeah right, i'm married, with a kid AND pregnant

Do you like reading?OH YEAH, reading all of the Alex Cross series by Mames Patterson, on The Big Bad Wolf now. Starting in May i'll be reading my Anatomy Books...back to school

Are you in a fight with anyone now?no

What are you hoping to get this Christmas?That we'll be happy...it will be one year since Gary died.

Who's at your house right now?Gwyn sleeping, Chipper, Maddux, and Me

Does your phone ring in the middle of the night often?last time it did it was Andrew telling me Gary was just in an accident. 2 hours later the cops FINALLY tell me that he "didn't make it"

What is your current annoyance?money and trying to keep this house clean

Who was the last person you cuddled with?Maddux and Matt (maddux is afraid of thunderstorms so he gets right up on you and shivers and whines.

What are you doing tonight?Maybe going to eat with Gwyn and the funstation to play some games

Feel like talking to someone that you haven't in a while?hmm.not sure

When I look down I see:my growing baby belly

Name something exciting you are doing tomorrow?SLEEPING IN, if it's not raining taking
Gwyneth to the park and then UGGHHH work.

What's something you really want to be in front of you right now, be honest?Gary playing Call of Duty, with out a shirt on...haha

Does anything hurt on your body?my feet from working all day and my neck as always

Could you be able to date someone who doesn't make you laugh?no

What was the last thing you laughed really hard about?Gwyn as always

Do you want tons of tattoos?no, i want two more though (next babys name and gary's tat) to add to my 3

Are you closer with your siblings or cousins?siblings, especially Gary and I (we were best friends)

Wear make up & jewelery everyday?my wedding ring, cross ring, earrings and ususally a
necklace

Will you kiss anyone tonight?absolutley, gwyn and matt

Last thing to make you smile?today Sarah at work "making coffee" with out even opening the
bag haha

Where is your best friend?in heaven, at the other two are at work

Do you live with your Mom and Dad?nope

Is there anyone you would throw in front of a bus?not unless they threaten my family

How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?I wake up 30 min before i leave for work...shower, teeth, hair, get dressed, eat (usually grab gwyn food if she's up)

What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?a skinny cow ice cream sandwich

What is something you hate?not sure, things that bother me TONS

Do you respect yourself?usually

How do you feel right now?tired

What was the best thing about today?making money and selling a margarita

Lose a best friend lately?my brother on Christmas eve

Would you live with someone without marrying them?yes.lived with Matt for 2 years before marrying him

When your angry what do you do?bitch or go somewhere away from the issue making me angry

Have you ever been attracted to someone's parent?Does Jason Statham have kids? Rumor and Tulula Willis' dad :) haha

You miss summer, right?It's COMING..but i'll be a whale and miserable this summer


Have you ever ridden a horse?yes a long time ago

Do you ignore people when you're mad/upset?usually after fighting and yelling

Who was the last person you talked to last night before bed?mom

Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn't?Sure, last time was wanting to tell Gary i was pregant that night on the phone when he called but withheld and was waiting to do it in person the next morning. ( 5 hours later i wouldn't be able to see him again)

Can you live without myspace?i can live with out but would be sad, i keep in touch with family and friends

17 weeks

Only 2 more weeks till my sonogram. Gwyn and I will also be with my brothers Mike and Nick from Wed to Sunday doing all sorts of fun stuff. Haven't decided if we will stay in tally for the parade or go to jax and try to get to the beach and zoo.

I FELT the baby moving today!! I was so happy. It makes not going to the doctor for a sonogram EVERY single day okay. I love knowing that my little baby is growing in there. It's a comforting feeling to feel the kicking.

I also saw a name that I like for the baby if it's a girl.

Gabriella...
It's the closest I could find to Gary, that I liked as a girls name. It also has the Ella in it that I wanted, after my mom (Mardella), Granny (Lovella), and Great Grandma (Susie Della) and Kaylynn will still be the middle name after, me (Cristina Lynn) and matt's mom (Jackie K.)

I have the next two days off from work I can't wait to spend all day with Gwyneth. We had so much fun the other day after I got home. We went straight to the park, walked to the lake, climbed the big tree on the ground, and then went to Publix and bought lots of fruits, veggies and meats to cook and eat for the week. She had so much FUN. She helped me make the pot roast tonight. I would cut the potatoes and she'd put them in the crockpot, i cut the carrots she put them in the crockpot and then she loved "snapping" the greenbeans. I'd snap the ends and she'd snap them in the middle and then put them in the crockpot it was so CUTE.

She pooped in the potty for me today YEAH. She pees in it all the time. She hates to put diapers on at night or to go out. I feel bad making her put one on. The whole pull up thing doesn't work she knows they are diapers and not her big girl panties.

16 weeks pregnant

I'm getting HUGE now. Still no problems other than the weight and feeling fat and self concious.

I can't wait to see the baby on April 9th. Hopefully, we will get to see if we are having a little baby boy or another beautiful baby girl. I think we've narrowed it down to our names...

Gary Liam Wagner if it's a boy

(Gary LeeAlan very similar)

and if it's a girl

Abigail Kaylynn Ella Wagner

(Abbie for short, Kay for matt's moms middle name, Lynn for me and my mom's middle name and Ella for my granny Lovella.) Matt says no 3 names again but least does he now it's happening one way or another, haha.

I keep waiting to feel the baby kick. I think i already have but i'm still not for sure.

Gary's Funeral

Gary's Funeral was beautiful. It was on 1/2/09 it was the warmest day in Hindman, Ky the entire time we were there. He had a military honors along with the 21 gun salute. Gary's casket had flags on it, a military picture behind it and he was buried in his uniform.

The hardest part was collecting his belongings. His favorite boots had blood on them, his gum and it just brought back all the horrible images that i could have thought had happened to him. We almost weren't able to have an open casket because the right side of his face and head were badly cut from the accident. However we really wanted it to be open for everyone, we needed that. So the funeral home did the best they could and it didn't look quite like Gary but it was him. I even got to see the freckle that he had on his ring finger and we got to leave our mementos with him. Gwyn even got to give him her pacy.

Mike really wanted the blue flowers from the viewing to be left at the gravesite so we found the angel vase and put the blue roses in it and left it at the head of the gravesite. They won't be able to put the headstone and the plaque that the army gave us that we will have put into a cement bench at the foot of the grave until a few months when the ground settles.

A month later Mom, Mike, Nick, Gwyn and I went to where the accident happened. Only a small piece of the pole was missing or even scratched yet my brother is still gone. Here is the light pole that changed our lives forever...

It's just so hard because Gary is the first person that i have know personally to die under the age of 40. To add to that that he was my brother, my best friend for 22 years makes it even harder. He was supposed to be working with me at Chili's as a host and when ever they give me that cut slip or seat me a table i think to myself that would have been my brother.

I also think that i'm more of an angry person right now because of this death. I have a shorter temper. It also makes me realize my life. Everyone says that i am so young to have a kid and now another and be married, that i'm only a waitress with a college degree, ect ect. Yet after this i'm so happy that my life is happening this early. I'm 23 a year older than my brother...what's to say it won't happen to me tomorrow, 3 months from now or in another year. To be able to experience marriage, Gwyneth (the only thing that truly makes Gary being gone easier on me) and i work 3 - 5hours a day...i get to spend the rest of my day with Gwyneth at the park, shopping whatever she wants to do. I don't take things for granite as much and it makes me know that I WILL BE HAPPY with my life.

I am finally drove to TCC and got all my paperwork in and i'm trying to hurry and registar for my last few nursing classes. The first thing that i thought of when i walked into that admission office was that Gary was supposed to be right be side me, making me laugh about something.

I am so grateful for the time that we did get to spend together before he died. It was the most fun i've had in a year (the last time he was here in tally and we went to potbellys and got wasted, haha. I threw up in his lap on the way home sitting in the middle of the backseat and he opened the door and threw up out the side of the car :) haha)

I never typed these in here before but I know that Gary is safe in Heaven. The day after the accident i was in my mom's room resting and questioning God if Gary was with him. Right after that the TV turned off. So i looked around the bed to see if i was laying on the remote, however, it was on the nightstand and no sleep timer was set. So i turned it back on and flipped through the channels to find something. I stopped on the lifetime channel and the next thing i heard from the tv was "I loved Gary" the wife was talking about her husband on the movie. I'm not crazy and i know this happend with all my heart. The worst part is why am i still angry with God. Even after the messages, all the other good things that have happend to me?

The saddest day of my life

The college was made because we couldn't find any pictures of Gary alone smiling. There was always someone beside him. He had the most breath taking blue eyes and a gorgeous smile. I love everything about him and always will. I still can't get over that feeling of being mad at myself for not crying at least once a day for him. So i cry even more the next day.

written Friday December 26th 2009

The same very night that I wrote on her and signed off to go to bed my brother no more than 30 min later go into a car accident on Brady Rd. in Jacksonville, Fl at 1:20am. I was on the phone back and forth with Andrew, Scott and Kelsey for two hours till a police officer finally broke down after i asked if my brother was okay if i could just know where he is. He said to me the hardest things i have ever had to listen to..."i'm sorry but he didn't make it"The worst part is i just thought gary was going to go to jail and get a DUI because Andrew swore that he saw gary walking around. We were coming to see him that morning, living together, buying a house together, going to school together, being with me when i have this baby, being there forever as my best friend. This was so unexpected and unreal. It feels as if I should wake up from this bad nightmare and be playing with Gwyn and Call of Duty with him and then heading to work together at Chili's on Saturday.How is it ever going to be okay? Why did God have to take Gary? Is Gary watching us right now, is he happy? can he feel anything? Did he die in pain or instantly? Did he think of us before he did or how scared he was that he was dying? Did he know how much he was loved and is going to be missed? Why couldn't we have done things differently. I just talked to him at 6 while in target about getting the gokart for mike and nick cleaned, getting them another wheel controller. I wanted to tell him so bad about the baby but i wanted to tell him in person with a hug and kisses.I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU GARY LEEALAN SLONE!! I will always remember you, dream of you and pray for me to see you again one day in heaven. I hope you can help me my journey there. Everyone will miss the crazy fun RUDY!!We went through all the pictures tonight and how much fun we had growing up together. You were always smiling and when you weren't you were trying so hard not to.The hardest part for me is that when i first found out that i was pregnant with gwyn at four and 1/2 weeks Granny died and i was on my way to Ky to her funeral. Three years later i just found out that i'm pregnant again and my poor young full of life brother dies in a stupid unexpected accident. Does someone important to me have to die for another important person in my life to be able to be born? It hurts..if I would have known i would have been so happy with Gwyn and Gary.

Baby # 2

Had to recreate my blog, this was actually written on 12/12/08 at 12:30am

I just found out two nights ago (12/21/08)that I am pregnant.It took two months but it happened. I planned this one so it was not a December baby. I can't have any more birthdays in December, haha. I waited one whole night to tell Matt ( I was trying to wait till Christmas to tell Matt but I couldn't help it). The first person I told was Kelsey. I called her that morning before work and told her. She was very excited and happy for me.Matt's parents came into town yesterday for Christmas. So Matt and I stayed at the hotel and they stayed at the house. So that night I told Matt. He didn't really believe me. He's happy but nervous. You know Matt and his money (he checks his stocks obsiouvsly.)Today I wanted to tell everyone but I didn't. Ended up Matt told his parents today so that's exciting. Chris say's Matt's stupid but that's Chris, he loves Gwyneth to death though.Jackie was really happy. She called Nanna right away and told her. I'm waiting to tell Mom, Rick and Gary in person.I'm definetly very excited. Gwyn is to young to understand but i'm sure she'll love it. I'm going to try to lose as much weight this month by eating very well and running while i still can. Hopefully I can lose some of the 35lbs I still have left from Gwyneth.The only symptoms i've noticed is that i'm very tired (however, i've always loved naps) and my nipples are extra sensetive. My stomach right above my belly button hurt for a week before i found out and i've had some extra gas. I'm debating whether or not morning sickness will be a good thing. Pro I can't eat and lose some weight....con I'm throwing up all the time.I'm stuck between wanting a boy or a girl. I have my one girl so i'm great. However, if it's another girl we have ALL the toys, clothes, shoes, bedding, ect that we could need. Gwyn will have a sister to be best friends with. Bad side Kelsey and her sister don't really like each other. They could be totally different and not really talk or even end up like the same guy.If it's a boy It's a BOY. Matt and Chris will be really happy. So will Mike and Nick, haha. They love Gwyn but to teach a boy their old tricks would be fun for them. We'd have to buy new clothes and boy toys, ect. Plus side Gary and I are VERY close. I also have the strong tough guy to look out for me and he has hot friends growing up.I've got the two girl names picked out already just see which one is polled better.Abigail Kaylynn Ella Olivia Kaylynn EllaBoy names are a little difficult, Matt wants the initals CCW after his dad.C names we like Caleb (Scott for me and Christopher for Matt)I also likeLiamGavin Well got to get to sleep for our drive to Jacksonville in the Morning. YEAH!!