17 weeks

Only 2 more weeks till my sonogram. Gwyn and I will also be with my brothers Mike and Nick from Wed to Sunday doing all sorts of fun stuff. Haven't decided if we will stay in tally for the parade or go to jax and try to get to the beach and zoo.

I FELT the baby moving today!! I was so happy. It makes not going to the doctor for a sonogram EVERY single day okay. I love knowing that my little baby is growing in there. It's a comforting feeling to feel the kicking.

I also saw a name that I like for the baby if it's a girl.

Gabriella...
It's the closest I could find to Gary, that I liked as a girls name. It also has the Ella in it that I wanted, after my mom (Mardella), Granny (Lovella), and Great Grandma (Susie Della) and Kaylynn will still be the middle name after, me (Cristina Lynn) and matt's mom (Jackie K.)

I have the next two days off from work I can't wait to spend all day with Gwyneth. We had so much fun the other day after I got home. We went straight to the park, walked to the lake, climbed the big tree on the ground, and then went to Publix and bought lots of fruits, veggies and meats to cook and eat for the week. She had so much FUN. She helped me make the pot roast tonight. I would cut the potatoes and she'd put them in the crockpot, i cut the carrots she put them in the crockpot and then she loved "snapping" the greenbeans. I'd snap the ends and she'd snap them in the middle and then put them in the crockpot it was so CUTE.

She pooped in the potty for me today YEAH. She pees in it all the time. She hates to put diapers on at night or to go out. I feel bad making her put one on. The whole pull up thing doesn't work she knows they are diapers and not her big girl panties.

16 weeks pregnant

I'm getting HUGE now. Still no problems other than the weight and feeling fat and self concious.

I can't wait to see the baby on April 9th. Hopefully, we will get to see if we are having a little baby boy or another beautiful baby girl. I think we've narrowed it down to our names...

Gary Liam Wagner if it's a boy

(Gary LeeAlan very similar)

and if it's a girl

Abigail Kaylynn Ella Wagner

(Abbie for short, Kay for matt's moms middle name, Lynn for me and my mom's middle name and Ella for my granny Lovella.) Matt says no 3 names again but least does he now it's happening one way or another, haha.

I keep waiting to feel the baby kick. I think i already have but i'm still not for sure.

Gary's Funeral

Gary's Funeral was beautiful. It was on 1/2/09 it was the warmest day in Hindman, Ky the entire time we were there. He had a military honors along with the 21 gun salute. Gary's casket had flags on it, a military picture behind it and he was buried in his uniform.

The hardest part was collecting his belongings. His favorite boots had blood on them, his gum and it just brought back all the horrible images that i could have thought had happened to him. We almost weren't able to have an open casket because the right side of his face and head were badly cut from the accident. However we really wanted it to be open for everyone, we needed that. So the funeral home did the best they could and it didn't look quite like Gary but it was him. I even got to see the freckle that he had on his ring finger and we got to leave our mementos with him. Gwyn even got to give him her pacy.

Mike really wanted the blue flowers from the viewing to be left at the gravesite so we found the angel vase and put the blue roses in it and left it at the head of the gravesite. They won't be able to put the headstone and the plaque that the army gave us that we will have put into a cement bench at the foot of the grave until a few months when the ground settles.

A month later Mom, Mike, Nick, Gwyn and I went to where the accident happened. Only a small piece of the pole was missing or even scratched yet my brother is still gone. Here is the light pole that changed our lives forever...

It's just so hard because Gary is the first person that i have know personally to die under the age of 40. To add to that that he was my brother, my best friend for 22 years makes it even harder. He was supposed to be working with me at Chili's as a host and when ever they give me that cut slip or seat me a table i think to myself that would have been my brother.

I also think that i'm more of an angry person right now because of this death. I have a shorter temper. It also makes me realize my life. Everyone says that i am so young to have a kid and now another and be married, that i'm only a waitress with a college degree, ect ect. Yet after this i'm so happy that my life is happening this early. I'm 23 a year older than my brother...what's to say it won't happen to me tomorrow, 3 months from now or in another year. To be able to experience marriage, Gwyneth (the only thing that truly makes Gary being gone easier on me) and i work 3 - 5hours a day...i get to spend the rest of my day with Gwyneth at the park, shopping whatever she wants to do. I don't take things for granite as much and it makes me know that I WILL BE HAPPY with my life.

I am finally drove to TCC and got all my paperwork in and i'm trying to hurry and registar for my last few nursing classes. The first thing that i thought of when i walked into that admission office was that Gary was supposed to be right be side me, making me laugh about something.

I am so grateful for the time that we did get to spend together before he died. It was the most fun i've had in a year (the last time he was here in tally and we went to potbellys and got wasted, haha. I threw up in his lap on the way home sitting in the middle of the backseat and he opened the door and threw up out the side of the car :) haha)

I never typed these in here before but I know that Gary is safe in Heaven. The day after the accident i was in my mom's room resting and questioning God if Gary was with him. Right after that the TV turned off. So i looked around the bed to see if i was laying on the remote, however, it was on the nightstand and no sleep timer was set. So i turned it back on and flipped through the channels to find something. I stopped on the lifetime channel and the next thing i heard from the tv was "I loved Gary" the wife was talking about her husband on the movie. I'm not crazy and i know this happend with all my heart. The worst part is why am i still angry with God. Even after the messages, all the other good things that have happend to me?

The saddest day of my life

The college was made because we couldn't find any pictures of Gary alone smiling. There was always someone beside him. He had the most breath taking blue eyes and a gorgeous smile. I love everything about him and always will. I still can't get over that feeling of being mad at myself for not crying at least once a day for him. So i cry even more the next day.

written Friday December 26th 2009

The same very night that I wrote on her and signed off to go to bed my brother no more than 30 min later go into a car accident on Brady Rd. in Jacksonville, Fl at 1:20am. I was on the phone back and forth with Andrew, Scott and Kelsey for two hours till a police officer finally broke down after i asked if my brother was okay if i could just know where he is. He said to me the hardest things i have ever had to listen to..."i'm sorry but he didn't make it"The worst part is i just thought gary was going to go to jail and get a DUI because Andrew swore that he saw gary walking around. We were coming to see him that morning, living together, buying a house together, going to school together, being with me when i have this baby, being there forever as my best friend. This was so unexpected and unreal. It feels as if I should wake up from this bad nightmare and be playing with Gwyn and Call of Duty with him and then heading to work together at Chili's on Saturday.How is it ever going to be okay? Why did God have to take Gary? Is Gary watching us right now, is he happy? can he feel anything? Did he die in pain or instantly? Did he think of us before he did or how scared he was that he was dying? Did he know how much he was loved and is going to be missed? Why couldn't we have done things differently. I just talked to him at 6 while in target about getting the gokart for mike and nick cleaned, getting them another wheel controller. I wanted to tell him so bad about the baby but i wanted to tell him in person with a hug and kisses.I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU GARY LEEALAN SLONE!! I will always remember you, dream of you and pray for me to see you again one day in heaven. I hope you can help me my journey there. Everyone will miss the crazy fun RUDY!!We went through all the pictures tonight and how much fun we had growing up together. You were always smiling and when you weren't you were trying so hard not to.The hardest part for me is that when i first found out that i was pregnant with gwyn at four and 1/2 weeks Granny died and i was on my way to Ky to her funeral. Three years later i just found out that i'm pregnant again and my poor young full of life brother dies in a stupid unexpected accident. Does someone important to me have to die for another important person in my life to be able to be born? It hurts..if I would have known i would have been so happy with Gwyn and Gary.

Baby # 2

Had to recreate my blog, this was actually written on 12/12/08 at 12:30am

I just found out two nights ago (12/21/08)that I am pregnant.It took two months but it happened. I planned this one so it was not a December baby. I can't have any more birthdays in December, haha. I waited one whole night to tell Matt ( I was trying to wait till Christmas to tell Matt but I couldn't help it). The first person I told was Kelsey. I called her that morning before work and told her. She was very excited and happy for me.Matt's parents came into town yesterday for Christmas. So Matt and I stayed at the hotel and they stayed at the house. So that night I told Matt. He didn't really believe me. He's happy but nervous. You know Matt and his money (he checks his stocks obsiouvsly.)Today I wanted to tell everyone but I didn't. Ended up Matt told his parents today so that's exciting. Chris say's Matt's stupid but that's Chris, he loves Gwyneth to death though.Jackie was really happy. She called Nanna right away and told her. I'm waiting to tell Mom, Rick and Gary in person.I'm definetly very excited. Gwyn is to young to understand but i'm sure she'll love it. I'm going to try to lose as much weight this month by eating very well and running while i still can. Hopefully I can lose some of the 35lbs I still have left from Gwyneth.The only symptoms i've noticed is that i'm very tired (however, i've always loved naps) and my nipples are extra sensetive. My stomach right above my belly button hurt for a week before i found out and i've had some extra gas. I'm debating whether or not morning sickness will be a good thing. Pro I can't eat and lose some weight....con I'm throwing up all the time.I'm stuck between wanting a boy or a girl. I have my one girl so i'm great. However, if it's another girl we have ALL the toys, clothes, shoes, bedding, ect that we could need. Gwyn will have a sister to be best friends with. Bad side Kelsey and her sister don't really like each other. They could be totally different and not really talk or even end up like the same guy.If it's a boy It's a BOY. Matt and Chris will be really happy. So will Mike and Nick, haha. They love Gwyn but to teach a boy their old tricks would be fun for them. We'd have to buy new clothes and boy toys, ect. Plus side Gary and I are VERY close. I also have the strong tough guy to look out for me and he has hot friends growing up.I've got the two girl names picked out already just see which one is polled better.Abigail Kaylynn Ella Olivia Kaylynn EllaBoy names are a little difficult, Matt wants the initals CCW after his dad.C names we like Caleb (Scott for me and Christopher for Matt)I also likeLiamGavin Well got to get to sleep for our drive to Jacksonville in the Morning. YEAH!!